If you've had a previous loss, this question will arise and there are really two aspects to it: medically necessity and emotional readiness.
Medically, opinions vary. Research studies are conflicting. At a minimum, you should have one normal period before trying again. This helps date the next pregnancy more accurately and allows for normal buildup of the uterine lining. Generally, a longer wait is recommended for later losses. Some doctors recommend one month wait for each month along you were with the previous loss. This seems like a reasonable rule of thumb except that couples with stillbirths have a very long & difficult wait. (Though their grieving will undoubtedly be long & difficult no matter what, 9 months may be longer than truly necessary.)
Most readers of this blog will have a reason for their loss, but if you don't, it may take several months to complete testing so you know if there is anything that can prevent a recurrence. I strongly recommend testing if you've had multiple losses or even one loss after 12 weeks.
Emotionally, circumstances vary. You may feel ready at a different time than someone else with a loss- even at a different time than your spouse. I don't recommend waiting until "you are done grieving" or you may never try again. But it is often beneficial to give yourself a little time to start grieving the baby you lost before embarking on the very emotional quest for another. It takes time before the shock of the loss wears off and you genuinely start to process and grieve.
With a difficult history, you may wonder if you should EVER try again. Doctors, relatives, and friends will all have their opinions on this, but really it is something only YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE can decide. Talk together and chose together what's best for your family.
After 3 miscarriages, I talked to a woman who'd had 8 (she was now a grandmother & had to suffer through the losses before testing and treatment were available). I was in awe at her courage and tenacity. But I wondered...could I handle 3 more miscarriages? Could I handle 8 total miscarriages? How much heartbreak can you take? Then I decided I didn't have to determine beforehand my breaking point. We decided to take things one step at a time. We felt ready to try ONCE more and braced ourselves for the possibility of 1 more loss, while hoping of course for 1 more success. (Ok, my husband was hoping we'd concieve twins, so I guess he was hoping for 2 more successes at once!) But determining to not determine too much at once was helpful in gathering the courage to try again.
One baby doesn't replace another, but children do bring joy into your life. Though our miracle baby isn't in our arms yet, she's already brought joy to our hearts & we are glad we tried again.
This post was a request from a reader although I'd started drafting it several months back.
ReplyDeleteThe person requesting it expressed concern about passing on the FVL gene. My thoughts on this are that it is relatively common & often doesn't cause problems for those who carry the gene. (It actually has some evolutionary benefits like being less likely to bleed to death.)
I do worry if my daughters will have to experience the same challenges I've had in pregnancy. I'm hoping by the time they get to that point the medical community will have made improvements in treatment. At the very least, they'll have the benefit of knowing before hand the potential for a problem.