Showing posts with label grieving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grieving. Show all posts
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Grieving
A friend I met online lost her baby boy this month. She was 2 months along.
She had already had a hard journey- infertility, a very early miscarriage, undergoing surgery & IVF.
I've been so sad for her.
Losing a baby to miscarriage is such a hard thing. Even those who have been through it may not understand the unique aspects of your challenges. Every loss is so difficult, but also so different.
I have a baby in my arms & she fills my life with joy.
But those babies I carried within me I still carry in my heart.
"We don't move on & forget, we move forward & remember..." -Viki Pond
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
When to try again?
If you've had a previous loss, this question will arise and there are really two aspects to it: medically necessity and emotional readiness.
Medically, opinions vary. Research studies are conflicting. At a minimum, you should have one normal period before trying again. This helps date the next pregnancy more accurately and allows for normal buildup of the uterine lining. Generally, a longer wait is recommended for later losses. Some doctors recommend one month wait for each month along you were with the previous loss. This seems like a reasonable rule of thumb except that couples with stillbirths have a very long & difficult wait. (Though their grieving will undoubtedly be long & difficult no matter what, 9 months may be longer than truly necessary.)
Most readers of this blog will have a reason for their loss, but if you don't, it may take several months to complete testing so you know if there is anything that can prevent a recurrence. I strongly recommend testing if you've had multiple losses or even one loss after 12 weeks.
Emotionally, circumstances vary. You may feel ready at a different time than someone else with a loss- even at a different time than your spouse. I don't recommend waiting until "you are done grieving" or you may never try again. But it is often beneficial to give yourself a little time to start grieving the baby you lost before embarking on the very emotional quest for another. It takes time before the shock of the loss wears off and you genuinely start to process and grieve.
With a difficult history, you may wonder if you should EVER try again. Doctors, relatives, and friends will all have their opinions on this, but really it is something only YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE can decide. Talk together and chose together what's best for your family.
After 3 miscarriages, I talked to a woman who'd had 8 (she was now a grandmother & had to suffer through the losses before testing and treatment were available). I was in awe at her courage and tenacity. But I wondered...could I handle 3 more miscarriages? Could I handle 8 total miscarriages? How much heartbreak can you take? Then I decided I didn't have to determine beforehand my breaking point. We decided to take things one step at a time. We felt ready to try ONCE more and braced ourselves for the possibility of 1 more loss, while hoping of course for 1 more success. (Ok, my husband was hoping we'd concieve twins, so I guess he was hoping for 2 more successes at once!) But determining to not determine too much at once was helpful in gathering the courage to try again.
One baby doesn't replace another, but children do bring joy into your life. Though our miracle baby isn't in our arms yet, she's already brought joy to our hearts & we are glad we tried again.
Medically, opinions vary. Research studies are conflicting. At a minimum, you should have one normal period before trying again. This helps date the next pregnancy more accurately and allows for normal buildup of the uterine lining. Generally, a longer wait is recommended for later losses. Some doctors recommend one month wait for each month along you were with the previous loss. This seems like a reasonable rule of thumb except that couples with stillbirths have a very long & difficult wait. (Though their grieving will undoubtedly be long & difficult no matter what, 9 months may be longer than truly necessary.)
Most readers of this blog will have a reason for their loss, but if you don't, it may take several months to complete testing so you know if there is anything that can prevent a recurrence. I strongly recommend testing if you've had multiple losses or even one loss after 12 weeks.
Emotionally, circumstances vary. You may feel ready at a different time than someone else with a loss- even at a different time than your spouse. I don't recommend waiting until "you are done grieving" or you may never try again. But it is often beneficial to give yourself a little time to start grieving the baby you lost before embarking on the very emotional quest for another. It takes time before the shock of the loss wears off and you genuinely start to process and grieve.
With a difficult history, you may wonder if you should EVER try again. Doctors, relatives, and friends will all have their opinions on this, but really it is something only YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE can decide. Talk together and chose together what's best for your family.
After 3 miscarriages, I talked to a woman who'd had 8 (she was now a grandmother & had to suffer through the losses before testing and treatment were available). I was in awe at her courage and tenacity. But I wondered...could I handle 3 more miscarriages? Could I handle 8 total miscarriages? How much heartbreak can you take? Then I decided I didn't have to determine beforehand my breaking point. We decided to take things one step at a time. We felt ready to try ONCE more and braced ourselves for the possibility of 1 more loss, while hoping of course for 1 more success. (Ok, my husband was hoping we'd concieve twins, so I guess he was hoping for 2 more successes at once!) But determining to not determine too much at once was helpful in gathering the courage to try again.
One baby doesn't replace another, but children do bring joy into your life. Though our miracle baby isn't in our arms yet, she's already brought joy to our hearts & we are glad we tried again.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Ways to honor an angel
Christmastime can be bittersweet after a loss. Here are a few ideas of how to honor an angel:
Make or buy a small stocking for your baby & write a letter to tuck inside telling your baby how much you miss them &/or ways their presence in your life has made you better.
Make or buy a small ornament for your baby. It could simply be an angel ornament that reminds you of your baby or a personalized one. Here's one I made last year:
Do some kind of service in honor of your baby. Carol at a nursing home, buy warm hats & gloves for a homeless shelter to distribute, or donate baby blankets to a hospital to give patients with Medicaid coverage who deliver around Christmas.
Give yourself the gift of patience... it's emotionally exhausting to grieve. Let yourself skip a party you're not up for and forgive yourself if you don't get everything done on your list. Don't skip every event- sometimes you might surprise yourself how much you enjoy the distraction, but acknowledge that it's ok to take a slower pace given what you've been through.
If you know someone who's had a loss, they may appreciate a simple acknowledgement or gift in honor of the baby. I had a friend who's baby died before delivery. When we travelled that Thanksgiving to the coast, I wrote his name in the sand & took a picture to give to her in a holiday card. She still keeps that picture in her kitchen to look at everyday. My sister wrote a children's story for my kids describing our angels & how they are part of our family. A friend who makes jewelry made me a mother's bracelet with beads representing all the birthstones of my children including those we lost. Those gifts are precious becuase of the thought and love that went into them.
Make or buy a small stocking for your baby & write a letter to tuck inside telling your baby how much you miss them &/or ways their presence in your life has made you better.
Make or buy a small ornament for your baby. It could simply be an angel ornament that reminds you of your baby or a personalized one. Here's one I made last year:
Do some kind of service in honor of your baby. Carol at a nursing home, buy warm hats & gloves for a homeless shelter to distribute, or donate baby blankets to a hospital to give patients with Medicaid coverage who deliver around Christmas.
Give yourself the gift of patience... it's emotionally exhausting to grieve. Let yourself skip a party you're not up for and forgive yourself if you don't get everything done on your list. Don't skip every event- sometimes you might surprise yourself how much you enjoy the distraction, but acknowledge that it's ok to take a slower pace given what you've been through.
If you know someone who's had a loss, they may appreciate a simple acknowledgement or gift in honor of the baby. I had a friend who's baby died before delivery. When we travelled that Thanksgiving to the coast, I wrote his name in the sand & took a picture to give to her in a holiday card. She still keeps that picture in her kitchen to look at everyday. My sister wrote a children's story for my kids describing our angels & how they are part of our family. A friend who makes jewelry made me a mother's bracelet with beads representing all the birthstones of my children including those we lost. Those gifts are precious becuase of the thought and love that went into them.
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